Jumping through a burning hoop blindfolded

You get to fill in the blanks- but this is also what love is

Dear _________

Loving you and trying to have a relationship with you is like jumping through a burning hoop blindfolded. I know I will trip and burn. If I say anything you will threaten to “move away” again, far far away.

Loving you feels like I’m a little abused animal who is afraid to approach my food, not knowing if it will be tasty or poison or seem delicious but make me sick later – spending time with you always feels this way

If I met you today, I would think you were an asshole

If I met you today, I would think you’re a great person, successful and much loved

If I met you today, I would think that you’re exhausting

If I met you today, I would think you were normal

How is it that I can love you but being with you feels like an obligation and burden?  I’m always angry at you.  How can you be so hurtful to so many people and not notice?

How is it that other people have ____ who are nice to them and say nice things to them and about them?   And seem happy to see them?  And they don’t have to beg to see them?

How is it that you act obnoxious and terrible when   ____ but when I say something, it is  my fault that you  .

I ask nicely for you to _____ but you really don’t hear me

You ask me for help, help, help but then ignore it

I call you and you act like I’m bothering you, you’re too busy to talk, you’re too busy to see me.  But if I don’t call I won’t hear from you.  The cards and gifts at holidays that say how much you love me and how grateful you are to have me?  I don’t feel it. I know if I got hit by a truck, you would be inconsolable, I know that- but I wish I could just see a drop of it now that felt real.  And that I didn’t have to beg for it.

Love, it’s complicated.