Man, I hate you. You come upon me whenever you want to and suck the life right out of me. Everything feels like such an effort, and every hour feels like muck. Driving to the store feels like an effort of great magnitude. As I leave the store with my oranges, i realize, wow, I did that. I even talked a little to the people working. How did I even do that? What an accomplishment.
When I’m depressed, the only thing I want to be is prone in front of the tv, and if possible with another friend who is equally depressed at the time, so we neither of us need to engage in any conversation. We’ll veg together, and with some of our favorite foods to substitute for living, and that’s the best I can do. The rest of every activity I do sucks balls. If a car drives by as I’m walking my dog I think, go ahead and hit me, I don’t really care. I sometimes wonder what would happen if something really bad happened at those times, would I even fight? I fantasize about death, alot. Not in a good way.
It sucks that I’m completely dependent on medication to be half normal. If I f-ck that up, I’m completely screwed. I worried when my medication went generic but hell, branded was $500 a month so I tried the generic, which was like taking nothing. Having depression as young as I can remember, I know I can never be without medication. How is it that in India I can buy my branded medicine for $80 with no prescription? Because life sucks when you have depression.
So recently when I was lucky enough to take a trip to India- (yes it was amazing and even though 2 weeks was the longest time off I’ve had in 50 years, it went way way too fast, but it was awesome!) I came home and the glow was off way too fast. My mom went into the hospital with planned heart valve replacement surgery, which seemed to go smoothly, but a few days later another valve went nuts and she was back in the hospital, and my father went in the next day after she came home which was the beginning or I should say end of his end. He had so many spontaneous miraculous recoveries over the last few years that even though it begs reality to think that way, I couldn’t help but think magically that his life would never end. That roller coaster actually was going on for the last year, but it did finally end, leading to the latest in a bout of brain f-ck ups I wondered if I’d ever recover from.
On top of the grief, and of course also worrying about my mom, and my own sickness, it seemed like I was also very dizzy and unsteady on my feet. My brain really didn’t feel it was working right. On the positive side I also lost a few pounds which always makes me a little happy, I was miserable but I looked good. Eventually I realized that my $80 antidepressant wasn’t working, that this dizziness and hopeless depression happened before once when I accidentally forgot to put my antidepressant in my pill box for a week. My sister was with me alot during that period, and she said I really scared her. I scared myself too, I thought I had completely lost my mind. So here’s a nice thought, if you lose your mind, everyone will be too polite to tell you because they don’t know if you’re just in another one of your phases. So you better figure it out yourself.
So finally I realized it was my medicine not working. What does work for me is to take twice the dose of the India drug and cut that pill in half. That works perfectly for me. Big surprise there, I don’t absorb things well. When all the scientists realize and validate with the big insurance companies that depression is as physical as any other illness, maybe we’ll get the right treatment everyone needs. Yep, I like my magical thinking. And Unicorns too.
So I just want to say that g-d damn it, you’re not f-cking alone and life sometimes just sucks and sometimes you’re just born with some shitty genes. And until life gets better just keep holding on until it does, because the real magical thing is that even at the time you’re sure death is better than how you feel, it does-with the right circumstances and cocktail- actually get better eventually. And that’s my truth.